How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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