Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
