At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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