literally had 100 drinks last night.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
