I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
