Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
