Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
