Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
