My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm both gender and math confused
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
