i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I would fuck him just for his dog
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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