we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
BRING THE BAGELS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
