don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
