I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
