The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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