if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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