It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
