My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
