Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
