I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
