you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize