Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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