I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I currently don't understand fingers.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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