someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Small penises have feelings too.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
