Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
