remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
