I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
