Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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