Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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