Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
