shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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