if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
