Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
