I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
