You really coming over, don't trick.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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