Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
