sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
