I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
