Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
