she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
