Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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