Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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