seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
