Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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