3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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