They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
