I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You're like the curious george of whores
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
