I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
