Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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