I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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