just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
