last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize