Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
