apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My breath smells like gin and sadness
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
