toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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