oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
