Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
