I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize