It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
